vesper's escape

La Science des Reves (The Science of Sleep), Me and You and Everyone We Know, El Maquinista (The Machinist), and the Effects of LSD

I need to procrastinate.

I'm on the final pages of my last essay of the semester. I'm going to do a mini review of these three films. As you know, my reviews aren't always that articulate or wonderful, but I get the chance to give them grades. I like grading films. I especially like when people disagree with my reviews, and then we have comment-argue fun.

I'll start with the most recently viewed:

image from filmstarts.de The German film poster.

La Science des Reves (The Science of Sleep). Most definitely my favourite of the three. The main actors are Gael Garcia Bernal (you might remember him from Amores Perros [Love's a Bitch]) and Charlotte Gainsbourg (you might remember her from 21 Grams). I love the linking of the dream world and the real world, so that at times you don't know which is which. I adore the idea of someone synchronistically dreaming what you are dreaming, so that in waking life you share the residue of the exact same dream-scape. I completely appreciate the hilarious, cardboard-based aesthetic of the film; the chunky-stitch country quilt look of some of the art pieces; and the general quirkiness of the script, visuals, camera angles, and physical actions of the actors. I can't tell you how much I LOVE LOVE LOVE the combining of French, Spanish, and English. It's a wild ride of a film. I have not seen ANYTHING like it. The script is actually quite loaded (complex), even though it is moderately easy to watch and follow. This makes me want to go back and watch it again. And again. Adorable film. Adorable actors. I wish I had a stuffed horse that did THAT.

Grade: A

***

image from IMP awards.

Me and You and Everyone We Know. I have no idea who the actors are in this film, in other words I have never ever seen them before. Apparently the main actors are John Hawkes and Miranda July. I enjoyed the acting, and seeing an entire cast that I did not recognize. There's something strangely comforting about that. Some of the occurrences in the film leave me stunned, morally stunned. Stunned in ways I did not yet know I could be stunned. Almost like watching Borat -- just when I'm at a place where I think nothing in this world can shock me.....something happens to TOTALLY and irrevocably shock me. And I'm ashamed by my level of shock and disgust (the gag reflex kind), yet there's no going back. And perhaps you won't have the same reaction that I did. I'm scarred by this film. hehe. Yes, there are some sweet moments, but the script does not wow me. The film explores some areas of sexuality that are generally foreign to mainstream film, yet I only see ways they could have done it better. I will say that the final scene is beautiful and touching, and I would watch it all over again just to get to the end.

Grade: C+

***

image from blog4492.

El Maquinista (The Machinist). Okay, I realize that the quality of the shot (above) is not that great, but I really love that this image is so different from the North American movie poster. And SO much darker. It comes from the cover of a DVD from somewhere in Asia, and I could not find it in poster format on the internet. Anyway, I like Christian Bale (you might remember him from Swing Kids.....hahhahha). I really really like Christian Bale, that he'll go to just about any length (no matter how life-threatening) to get deeply and anorexically into character. It's quite amazing and....disturbing. But I'm thinking I'd do the same thing. It's the price one pays for good art. And this film is good art. I quite like the film colour, the general dream-like pace and quality, the bare-bones (no pun intended) nature of the stripped down script, and the fact that it is a psychological thriller flick without being in-your-face horrific. I'm not a huge horror flick fan in general, though I'm all over the psychological thrillers. Also, I like Jennifer Jason Leigh (you might remember her from The Anniversary Party). I think she so easily disjoints an audience and makes them wonder if something much deeper is going on. Something much deeper is always going on with her.

Grade: B+

***

Masters and Houston (1966), after fifteen years of research into the cognitive effects of LSD, confirm this 'opening-of-a-filter' phenomenologically. They state in their book, *The Varieties of Psychedelic Experience*: '...for consciousness a heightening of sense perception definitely occurs; but it may not occur in such a way as to be measurable by the tests now in use. We do doubt that the eye is absolutely seeing more,...or that the nose is smelling more. Rather, it seems likely that more of what the eye sees and more of what the nose smells is getting into consciousness.'  -Robert E. Ornstein, *On the Experience of Time*

Ode to Divorce

That's the name of a song by Regina Spektor.

image of Napoleon informing Josephine of the "bad news" that is divorce from Project Gutenberg.  You should be breaking out the champagne my dear.

Not tonight josephine. / In an army's strength therein Lies the denouement. / From Here you're haunting me. / By The Seine so beautiful, only Not to be of use-- impossible. / So strange, victory- 1200 spires The only sound, moscow burning. / Empty like the Tuileries. / Like a dream Vienna seems, only not to be of use- impossible. / In the last extremity -- to Advance or not to advance- I Hear you laughing / Even still you're calling me / "Not tonight, not tonight Not tonight" josephine.      -Josephine by Tori Amos (album: *To Venus and Back*)

***

A couple days ago, I discovered some new statistics concerning Canadian divorce, a most intriguing subject since I'm still in the throes of divorce/custody hell. Marriage sucks, people. I mean for me it does. If it's good for you, you do it. I frankly despise it, mainly because marriage typically spells divorce and divorce sucks. Especially when there are children involved. Especially when the emotions have not dried up for some.

Oh and let's not even go into the history and implications of marriage in the first place. That's a rant for a different day. So, the numbers are ever rising. 54% of first marriages end (up from 49% not too long ago). But get this!!!! 78% of second marriages end!!! 78% which is practically 80% which is practically point-less. Basically, don't get married. At least that's the conclusion I've come to.

A never-never-marriage.

The only marriage that means something to me is the underwater kind (reference to the writings of Anais Nin). Rings, dresses/suits, and all that shitty paperwork is not required at my dream wedding, which would not be called a wedding (and I would question the use of "dream"). Language is most important. Just some darkness, some loving, hella laughs, and togetherness for the sake of togetherness.

Still in the ever-state of questioning everything, not wanting it to end.

The Passion and Gratitude Wednesday and Borat

*Die Jungfrau* image by Klimt at Jigsaw Puzzle.

When I met her I felt she was my destiny and that feeling has not altered, even though it remains invisible.  Though I have taken myself to the wastes of the world and loved again, I cannot truly say that I ever left her.  [...]  Passion will not be commanded.  It is no genie to grant us three wishes when we let it loose.  It commands us and very rarely in the way we would choose.  [...]  When passion comes late in life for the first time, it is harder to give up.  And those who meet this beast late in life are offered only devilish choices.  Will they say goodbye to what they know and set sail on an unknown sea with no certainty of land again?  Will they dismiss those everyday things that have made life tolerable and put aside the feelings of old friends, a lover even?  [...]  If I give in to this passion, my real life, the most solid, the best known, will disappear and I will feed on shadows again like those sad spirits whom Orpheus fled. -Jeanette Winterson, *The Passion*

Oh wow oh wow.  I finished *The Passion* and I'm lodged firmly in a strange state...that place you go to after finishing an amazing piece of literature that strikes chords you didn't know could be struck like that.  Oh and I cried.  I did.  And I cried afterwards thinking about it, going over passages I'd underlined.

The book says passion and obsession, a fine line.  Insanely fine. 

You wonder where those characters are, what became of them.  They are here now in different guises if you wish to see them.  One turns in circles, looking back over her shoulder always, or bounding up to your side, brushing up against you eternally.  And round and round, and over and over again. 

It's bittersweet because you can't go to her.  You can't get to her the way you think you could, the way you've imagined so many times.  You turn the image over in your mind so many times that the edges wear away.  Gradually and with dull, residual pain.  It breaks your heart, but slow like honey on a very cold day.

And the distance the distance.  Damn the distance.  And bless it, too.

***

Gratitude Wednesday.

I am thankful for:

-Passionate people who live/breathe/think/speak/feel passion to the core and wrestle with it always.
-Sunshine.  I'm going out to run for an hour in the sun. 
-Borat.  I'm disturbed and tickled.  I spent the entire movie crying, which is what I do when I laugh so hard as to disturb those near to me.  Quite disturbed by the Pamela Anderson part and the fat bum part....but otherwise....oh my fucking god.  You know that rodeo scene?  Yeah, well I grew up with people like that.  Some scary shit.  Some scary, scary funny shit.

Eternally Present

*Eternity* image by Michael Parkes.

All time is eternally present and so all time is ours.  There is no sense in forgetting and every sense in dreaming.  Thus the present is made rich.  Thus the present is made whole.
-Jeanette Winterson, *The Passion*

These lines stand out because they link up so well with an ongoing theme for me over the past two years: living in the moment without letting the past be such a burden.  The future can be a burden, too, when I become so fixated on what is to come that I don't notice what's in front of me.  Of course one cannot dissociate completely from the past, and who would want to?  It's about accepting the past, renewing yourself at every moment, without getting caught up in old patterns and old habits, repetitions, blindings.  It's also about being okay with not having an absolute grasp on memories.  Memories are just memories, subjective wisps of fleeting perceptions and brief visual hauntings.  It's more suitable to laugh at them (or with them) instead of grasping.  And then the future.  The future is fun for dreamers because the future is about potential, about possibilities; but it's as dangerous as the past because it's just as easy to get trapped in.  I think even more than the past, my tendency is future-looking, to a fault at times.  Future sight/desire/want can become so strong that Right Now loses all its colour and all its vibrancy. 

I don't know if there's any state of perfection to be reached here.  I don't think I'll ever be completely over this struggle.  I'll be happy if I can just increase the amount of time (not necessarily clock time) I spend in the moment, with full awareness of just that which is.  We learn this in acting classes, too.  We learn that right now is enough, that right now feeds itself and is full.  But the minute you try to hold it too tightly, it's gone.  Such a paradox, but such a beautiful one. 

Don't Be Afraid

image of John Galliano fall/winter 2007/2008 fashion show from The Globe and Mail Online *day in pictures* archive.

'...Do you know how beautiful you are? Have you looked at yourself?' 'I'm looking now.' -fragment of a conversation between Deacon and Consolata in *Paradise* by Toni Morrison.

I have lots on my mind lately. As you know, I'm coming to the end of my BA in English Literature, and the question constantly on my mind is whether or not to continue with it, whether or not to go on to get my MA and PhD. I started university with the clear intention of becoming a professor, and then the arts took me up and captivated me, and when I say captivated I want to clearly draw attention to the root word "Captive." A whole new world opened up for me when I started dabbling in artistic endeavours, and it's not easy for me to leave behind. People tell me "why can't you do both?!" That's a lot easier said than done!!! The university life is quite all-consuming. Professorship is all-consuming, and I don't know many professors who are also able to spend a great deal of time on their art, if they happen to be artists. Correct me if I'm wrong!!! I don't want to lose sight of my intentions with writing, acting, and music. If I wanted my PhD, my path is right there waiting for me. It's so clear that I know what I can expect when I'm finished. I could coast through, knowing what's expected of me, and knowing what to expect from my accomplishments. Step A, Step B, my dear, and then right through to Step C. Congrats, but oh my goodness what ever happened to your art? Oh it was lost along the way.... But as I told my girl (that's right, girlfriend), I far prefer the non-path just over to the side, the one in the shadows. This non-path is a dark forest, and I'm curious to see what's inside, to bound through and find my own damn way. I get tingles up my spine from writing, from acting, from photos, from music. I've been good with facing fear, but one deeply-rooted fear is the fear of straying from that path. But today, with you all as Witness, marks my first step firmly to the side, firmly and defiantly away. And yeah, maybe I'll be back at University before you know it. It's always a possibility, because with those non-paths there's always some surprises in store. But for now....but for now....I need some time off!!!